Letting Go

To say that I was overwhelmed the last month would not even come close to describing how I have been feeling.
The 1st 2 weeks of having Stella and Benjamin home was nothing but Dr. appointments and hospital visits. (regular adoption stuff)
Stella was scared and teething so I literally could not put her down. If I would put her down to tend to another child I would have to get her distracted first, but that would be short lived and she would come screaming and thrashing back to me. So I held her for a month straight.
Ben has had what we thought to be scabies and we have treated him 6 times!!! That also means that we bleached and bagged everything 6 times!! Only now to be referred to a dermatologist because it is not going away. Scabies is HIGHLY contagious and none of us have gotten it. So I am sure that is not the problem.
Claire was adjusting to having 2 new ones in the house. Everyone told me how she was acting was normal. But it was not "normal" for me!! Claire has always been so well behaved, well mannered, and so sweet. But since they have been home she has struggled. Its been about a month now where she would throw herself on the ground, throw her head into the wall, hit, scream and just burst into tears for no real reason.
I thought I had to be right there for EVERY out burst, every whimper, every laugh. I thought it was my motherly duty to jump at every noise! Not to mention that I still thought my house had to be spotless and laundry had to be done and put away.
After a month and a half I have come to the realization that I just have to let some things go.
I have learned that I need family,friends, and coffee!! I have learned I can not be there for every fight the girls have. They just have to learn to duke it out. I have learned that just because Ben is quite does not mean he does not need me. I have learned that Claire's fits are her just being 2 and needing extra praise. I have learned that I have to take care of my mental health if my children are going to get a good momma. I have learned that Stella is so much fun, and she is hilarious. I have learned how to see the absolute blessings that God has given me. I have learned that reading to, playing with, kissing and hugging my babies is far more important than having my make up on or my hair done. I have learned that if there are crumbs on my floor and dishes in the sink..its cool, I have a great excuse now! I have learned that not having their teeth and hair brushed every day is not going to make me a horrible mother. I have also learned that some days they might just stay in their PJ's all day and that is OK. But the biggest thing I have learned is that I have to let go of some of my outrageous expectations of myself and of my kids and that has made me a MUCH better momma!

Let me be very honest when I say that I was not able to keep a clean house or keep on on the laundry or spend all the time I wanted to with each kiddo and I was not even making meals at the time my head was spinning like a top. I felt so heavy with guilt and so overcome with the feeling of being inadequate that it would paralyze me. So with a lot of prayer and an amazing husband I was able to see more clearly what is important! I am sure that I will experience these feelings again, but I will always have the hope that things get better.

Thank you Lord for teaching me when I need to be taught!