Sunday, July 27, 2014

Ice Cold and Angry.

This what my insides have felt like for the past 5 months. 

On February 17th 2014 I boarded an airplane in Ethiopia anxious to come home, with my husband, 5 year old daughter and 2 friends.

I boarded that plane in peace, and with a happy heart knowing that we had an incredible 8 days in Ethiopia with friends and that our daughter's experience was an incredible one. I was excited knowing in less then 24 hours I would see two other children Stella and Ben. I boarded the plane with out a care in the world.

But this flight.... has changed the entire fabric of my being.

I was fearless, full of faith. I had peace like a river in my soul, always. I could proudly tell friends and family that I do not worry. God has everything in control.

But then everything changed. An hour into the flight the oxygen masked came down, the lights went off, the plane began to descend, and a man was screaming in sheer terror over the intercom telling us to sit down and put our masks on. For 6 hours solid I sat in sheer panic, holding my husbands hand, looking into his eyes,  {wanting his eyes to tell me it was all going to be OK...but they didn't} with our 5 year old daughter sitting between us, believing that those were the last moments of my human life.
I have never looked death so directly and closely in the face. I had to come to terms with my absence in this world. I had to think about Stella and Ben becoming orphans again. I had visions of what my families reactions would be when they heard of our deaths. I prayed for such a violent crash that none of us would survive to have to see the others dead. I prayed Claire would feel no pain. I prayed it would happen fast!

But then we landed, with no warning, no "seats in their upright position, and tray tables locked." So... now what... Praise God! Praise him for saving and sparing my life, Claire's life, Darin's life, our friends lives!

But quickly I became dark. Sure outwardly I put on a happy face. But inside my carefree faith shriveled. My faith like a child was stolen. There is evil in this world. And I am ticked off about that! Why did God allow me to experience such a Light sucking experience?!?!

That flight changed me.
The inner me is no longer free. I am held captive by fear, worry and doubt.
I am questioning everything.

After the 1st wave of interviews I have been quiet in publically talking about the flight and all that has happened since the days following our being home because of my sheer embarrassment with how I have internalized this experience, I should be living life to the fullest, I should be loving every second of my time, feeling as if I have been given a second chance at life!!   But instead I find myself quickly overwhelmed, scared, sad, and disappointed that this experience got the best of me.

I still do not know why I had to experience that flight. But I do I know that one day I will. And I am only able to write these words now because, dimly Light is flickering in my soul. Just recently, I prayed again. Just recently, I was able to speak of Gods sovereignty. Just recently, I reconnected with the Holy Spirit.

It has been 5 dark months. I have been throwing a spiritual fit! I shut down, closed off, crossed my arms and pouted because I felt God left me alone in this experience. But recently I realized I am just mad. Mad that my easy-going spirit got a jolt of reality.

I have a new level of compassion for people who live in fear and worry. I am committing today to become BOLD again. I am committing to prayer again. I will shut down fear.

I have no doubts that I will stumble. The power of evil masked in worry, doubt and fear is strong! But with God, I will be overcome fear.  I will not lose hope again. God is good, sovereign and he loves me. ...Wow, it feels good to get all of that out!


Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Biggity Ben is 4!

He told me that he has been waiting for this day for a whole year! And to that I replied "yes, buddy you literally have!"
 Eatin' his mac and cheese birthday lunch. Ha.

 So today is pretty darn special to my little man, and to me too of course! My only son is getting to be a big boy and he is pretty darn proud of it!

He tells me almost daily that he wants to grow to be as tall as the ceiling! To that I say, "you have to eat healthy and get good nights sleep and one day you might be able to touch the ceiling! But trust me buddy, I don't think you want to be as tall as the ceiling, because then you might be too tall for me to hold your hand!" That always makes him stop for just for a second and think, but then he continues to say he willy (really) does want to be as tall as the ceiling. OK, buddy whatever you want!

So it is a special day and some family is coming over to celebrate. So I started making my pulled pork at 8 AM.

Then we headed to the grocery store to pick up a few things we need for the party. Like a box of funfetti cake mix...but this distracted momma of three wild ones accidentally picked up the funfetti box of COOKIES!

Which I did not realize until we were home and unpacked. So I decided to search google and see what it takes to make a cake from scratch and guess what... I had everything it takes to whip a cake. So that is what I did...who am I?!?!

Lately he has been loving the Incredible Hulk, why? I do not know but he does. So the hulk came and helped me decorate the dinning room during nap time! Ben is gonna freak! It is going to be a great night!

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

It is so stinking easy...

"and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday." -
Isaiah  58: 10



Woooo, in my life that has been the Absolute TRUTH! My eyes have been opened wide! I have been to desperate orphanages, I hang out in a slum of one of the poorest countries in the world and have held hands, hugged and became friends to prostitutes and beggars. I have seen some of the most offensive, horrifying, and desperate living conditions in the world. And it makes my "night" (my bad days) undoubtedly shine like the noonday.

 But all I can think about in those seemingly desperate settings is "Wow, my friends living here have joy." And it is a Joy that can not be filled with money, TV, or other distractions! They are filled with Love, family, community! 

Every time I leave Ethiopia I make a commitment to live more communally, less materialistically. To live simply, like my friends in Ethiopia. I make a decision to come home with my focus wholeheartedly on the Love that our Father gives so unconditionally! And also to continue give generously to my friends in Ethiopia and to spend myself on behalf of them, because I know that that is where it is at!

And when I get home I try to do just that...

But, Dang It All! It is so stinking easy to fall back into wanting things you do not "have." To fall back Fast and sometime even MORE furiously then before! WHY IS THAT?!?! Why do we see what other people around us have and desire it SO BAD... why can't I constantly be thankful for what I do have and not just materialistically, but to be thankful for each and every one of my blessings... Why can't I settle on the fact that I am LOVED and I am alive and that is all I need!?!

Because, I know without a doubt that there is a constant battle for my heart.  And that battle is intense. So today, I choose Joy and a heart full of thankfulness! 

Will you join me today in being Thankful for what we do have and not desiring anything other then the Love of our Father?




Friday, April 4, 2014

Should I really be doing this?


Blogging again.

The things it takes to be a "good" blogger do not line up with who I am. 
 Organization. Thought. Consistency.
 I am not a photographer.  I might have a hard time actually finding time to write. 
And lets not mention the fact that my grammar is horrible! I mean honestly I should NEVER hit the {publish} button at the top of this page. But, I can not fight the unmistakable feeling that I should be sharing my heart again. 

Blogging was a great thing to do during the throws of adoption as it allowed for friends and family to stay up to date with our journey. But then the reality of having 3 kiddos at home and everything else that life had thrown at me took over. And so I stopped. 

But, here I am. Ready to go. Feeling refreshed. Excited to put it out there.  So follow, comment, and enjoy. I have no doubts that together were going to have ourselves a good time! 


Friday, February 24, 2012

Monday, January 30, 2012

Thankful Heart

I have posted before about the Veggie Tales Madame Blueberry movie. And in the movie there is the most precious song. It goes a little something like this....

I thank God for this day,
For the sun in the sky,
For my mom and my dad,
For my piece of apple pie!

For our home on the ground,
For His love that's all around,
That's why I say thanks every day!

Because a thankful heart is a happy heart!
I'm glad for what I have,
That's an easy way to start!

For the love that He shares,
'Cause He listens to my prayers,
That's why I say thanks every day!


For some reason this song has been in my heart a lot lately! Mostly the part that I put in bold.

I look at my house, a house in U.S. standard that is sub par at best. We have 3 children in a 3 bedroom home. Meaning that yes...two of my children sleep in a room together. Crazy...I know! Our home is little...my kitchen is little, we have 2 tiny bath rooms, and 3 tiny bed rooms, our carpet has stains, we could use new paint, my dishwasher does not work well, But watch what happens what I say it with a thankful heart!!...


I look at my house, and thank Jesus that I have a home! We have three amazing, God given, children who fill my house so beautifully full! Our home is little, I am so thankful that I don't have any more rooms that I have to clean!! I am so thankful that I have 2 bathrooms! Most people in this world do not even have a bath room in their home. I have 2!!!!!!! Thank you, Lord. We have carpet...an absolute luxury. It is soft and warm for my children to play on. My walls are not dirt...and they can be cleaned, I'm thankful that I have a kitchen in my home full of food, dishes, cups, silverware, and all kinds of luxuries.

Amazing isn't it..how when it is said with a thankful heart it is all so much more beautiful! I have never been so close and more in love with Jesus and my heart is becoming so full of LOVE and Thankfulness!!! I look for every opportunity to show love. To lighten someone else burden...to let my light shine! Because right now inside of me I feel SO FULL OF LOVE AND LIGHT!! I am so excited to continue my relationship with our Lord and Savior!! Life is so exciting!

I pray for all of my readers to become more Alive in Jesus and become so FULL of love and over the top THANKFUL that everything beings to look brighter, more beautiful...(even your dirty floors.)


Saturday, December 31, 2011

As the year ends...

The year 2011 is ending. And what a year it has been. I was reading through my devotional "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young and I could not help but reflect on this last year and how this devotional spoke so clearly of this last year. I will quote it and then explain my reason for relating to it. Her devotional is like Jesus is speaking directly to you... it is powerful.



As this year draws to a close, receive my peace. This is still your deepest need, and I, your Prince of Peace, long to pour Myself into your neediness. My abundance and your emptiness are a perfect match. I designed you to have no sufficiency of your own. I created you as a jay of clay, set apart for sacred use. I want you to be filled with My very Being, permeated through and through with Peace.



Thank Me for My peaceful Presence, regardless of your feelings. Whisper My Name in loving tenderness. My Peace, which lives continually in your spirit, will gradually work its way through your entire being.

As I read this today I wanted to talk about a few ways I felt Peace this past year.

Adoptions: Many of you who are reading this right now might be in the beautiful mess of adopting precious children from all around the world. Know that adoption is Gods heart. As we are each adopted into God's heavenly family.



In the throws of 3 failed court dates and our dossier expiring the day we passed court there was a lot of reason for worry and unrest...but by leaning on our Prince of Peace I found Peace. People would tell me all the time..."How are you so calm?!? If I was going through what you are I would be pulling my hair out!!" And every time someone would say that to me I would whisper a prayer of thankfulness to Jesus. It confirmed to me that I had a very precious Peace that I knew could only be from our God.

Speaking events: I am no public speaker!! But because of our story of adoption and redemptive hope from our miscarriage and the life changing implications this journey has given I have been asked 6 times to share our story in very big public settings! For every speaking event I would be consumed with fear! (3 of them were live radio interviews in Chicago!!) I would shake, become very short of breath, get nauseous and feel ill. Then I would remember who has brought me to this place, who gave me this story to share and I firmly believe that all of the bad that has happened to our family has been to give glory to His name! And so I would pray...and then I would feel Peace. Thank you Jesus.



Financial uncertainties: The body of Christ answering the call.

Wow is all I can say. We were able to adopt 3 children in 2 years. We started the adoption process not even one year into Darin working. When we followed Gods lead to adopt Stella and Ben not even 6 months after bring Claire home, we did it AFRAID! We have no money in our bank account! We had just brought home Claire and we still had not figured out how much it would cost to fit her into our families finances...let alone two more children...But we knew what God had laid on our hearts...and it was confirmed that we were doing the right thing! We had people give us their extra change, 20 bucks here and there, hundreds and even thousands to our family!!! There was Peace in knowing that the body of Christ was moved to help our family come together and follow a very scary, uncertain call...

Peaceful in her daddy's arms.

Darin is such a source of peace for me as well. He is such an amazing daddy. He loves these children with a unconditional love. He makes me fall in love with him more and more each day when I see his love for his babies. His love is true and pure for his family. I am so thankful for my awesome hubby!

Today I reflect and I give God thanks for the amazing year he has given us!

Please join me today in reflecting on the peacefulness of our God!