Ice Cold and Angry.

This what my insides have felt like for the past 5 months. 

On February 17th 2014 I boarded an airplane in Ethiopia anxious to come home, with my husband, 5 year old daughter and 2 friends.

I boarded that plane in peace, and with a happy heart knowing that we had an incredible 8 days in Ethiopia with friends and that our daughter's experience was an incredible one. I was excited knowing in less then 24 hours I would see two other children Stella and Ben. I boarded the plane with out a care in the world.

But this flight.... has changed the entire fabric of my being.

I was fearless, full of faith. I had peace like a river in my soul, always. I could proudly tell friends and family that I do not worry. God has everything in control.

But then everything changed. An hour into the flight the oxygen masked came down, the lights went off, the plane began to descend, and a man was screaming in sheer terror over the intercom telling us to sit down and put our masks on. For 6 hours solid I sat in sheer panic, holding my husbands hand, looking into his eyes,  {wanting his eyes to tell me it was all going to be OK...but they didn't} with our 5 year old daughter sitting between us, believing that those were the last moments of my human life.
I have never looked death so directly and closely in the face. I had to come to terms with my absence in this world. I had to think about Stella and Ben becoming orphans again. I had visions of what my families reactions would be when they heard of our deaths. I prayed for such a violent crash that none of us would survive to have to see the others dead. I prayed Claire would feel no pain. I prayed it would happen fast!

But then we landed, with no warning, no "seats in their upright position, and tray tables locked." So... now what... Praise God! Praise him for saving and sparing my life, Claire's life, Darin's life, our friends lives!

But quickly I became dark. Sure outwardly I put on a happy face. But inside my carefree faith shriveled. My faith like a child was stolen. There is evil in this world. And I am ticked off about that! Why did God allow me to experience such a Light sucking experience?!?!

That flight changed me.
The inner me is no longer free. I am held captive by fear, worry and doubt.
I am questioning everything.

After the 1st wave of interviews I have been quiet in publically talking about the flight and all that has happened since the days following our being home because of my sheer embarrassment with how I have internalized this experience, I should be living life to the fullest, I should be loving every second of my time, feeling as if I have been given a second chance at life!!   But instead I find myself quickly overwhelmed, scared, sad, and disappointed that this experience got the best of me.

I still do not know why I had to experience that flight. But I do I know that one day I will. And I am only able to write these words now because, dimly Light is flickering in my soul. Just recently, I prayed again. Just recently, I was able to speak of Gods sovereignty. Just recently, I reconnected with the Holy Spirit.

It has been 5 dark months. I have been throwing a spiritual fit! I shut down, closed off, crossed my arms and pouted because I felt God left me alone in this experience. But recently I realized I am just mad. Mad that my easy-going spirit got a jolt of reality.

I have a new level of compassion for people who live in fear and worry. I am committing today to become BOLD again. I am committing to prayer again. I will shut down fear.

I have no doubts that I will stumble. The power of evil masked in worry, doubt and fear is strong! But with God, I will be overcome fear.  I will not lose hope again. God is good, sovereign and he loves me. ...Wow, it feels good to get all of that out!